Dr. Robert Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy)

Dr. Robert Glover is the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Originally from the Seattle suburb of Bellevue, growing up, Glover’s hometown was fairly typical.   

“It was a very white community back then. There wasn’t much diversity,” Glover says.  

“That’s changed because of tech, but the area was primarily composed of nuclear families, divorce was rare, and education was considered important.”

As a teenager, Glover played sports, but academically, it took him longer to develop. 

“I initially did not enjoy school,” Glover recalls.  

“I even pondered dropping out.”

By his junior year, Glover’s approach to academics shifted.

He joined the debate team, and he even enrolled in honors courses. 

“I think my teachers saw something in me that I hadn’t quite noticed yet,” says Glover, whose intellectual prowess may have been delayed, but when it arrived, Glover flourished. 

“Debate turned my life around because it taught me how to research topics, speak in front of people, and write effectively.”

Armed with the skills needed to succeed at the next level of academics, Glover, who grew up in a religious household, thought he might want to become a pastor, so he left the West Coast and enrolled at Harding University in Arkansas.   

“I’m no longer religious, but during my undergrad I developed a love for psychology,” he says. 

From there, Glover earned a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Harding’s graduate program in Memphis, before then getting his PhD in the same discipline from Texas Woman’s University. 

Soon, Glover became a licensed marriage and family counselor, a position he held for 25 years.

“I never actually set out to write a book,” admits Glover, whose No More Mr. Nice Guy is reported to have sold over 1 million copies since its publication.  

“I didn’t even think of myself as a writer. I’m actually a terrible speller,” he adds with a chuckle. 

Glover may not be an ace grammarian either, but once upon a time he was nice, but he was arguably too nice, to the point that his marriage was faltering and he wasn’t getting what he wanted out of life.

In his years as a licensed therapist, he routinely saw the same traits he exhibited in other men.

Things like being overly agreeable, doing the dishes solely to appease his wife, and avoiding difficult conversations. 

These were all symptomatic of a man who Glover says was all too willing to not rock the boat, but consequently, vicious tidal waves afflicted his marriage, and those of so many other well-intentioned men.  

“I would constantly meet men who would do all these seemingly nice things, but then their wives still harbored contempt for them, and often physical intimacy vanished in those relationships,” Glover explains. 

There is nothing wrong with being kind and compassionate, but in many cases, these nice guys lacked assertiveness and emotional intelligence, couldn’t communicate effectively, and would do subtle, indirect things in order to engender goodwill with their spouses. 

The more Glover noticed this, and the more he discussed these trends with colleagues and friends, the more he was encouraged to write on the subject. 

“I love reading, so I assumed that one day I may write a book, but over time people kept insisting that I go deeper into this nice guy phenomenon,” Glover says.

“So I did.” 

For context, it took Glover seven years to finish No More Mr. Nice Guy, and another three to find a publisher who was willing to bring his book to market, but 25 years later, the book is widely considered to be a tremendous success, and a playbook for countless men who struggle with taking ownership and command of their romantic and professional lives.   

At the same time, the book is not a cure for men with deficiences in assertiveness.

Rather, it’s a tool that they can leverage to overcome the impediments that prevent them from maximizing their careers and love lives. 

For his part, the sagacious Glover details that being a nice guy doesn’t make a man bad or evil.

In many cases, it’s childhood trauma that leads so many men to repress their wants and needs in hopes of currying favor.  

“Often it’s unconscious, but there are men who think that if they simply don’t have any needs, then they won’t create problems for anyone else,” says Glover, but when men see themselves as needless, that leaves no room for their wives to help them.

Since men, like all people, undeniably have needs and wants, those desires get neglected.

In turn, men feel unfulfilled, even if it’s not something they consciously acknowledge. 

“That then leads to these covert contracts, where there is this implicit agreement, this assumption, that if a man does something nice for his wife, then she will automatically reciprocate,” Glover outlines.

Predictably, these gestures go unnoticed, which results in resentment. 

“A lot that can be attributed to fear. Some nice guys think that it is bad to have needs, and that they will be punished, shamed, or rejected if they ask for what they want,” Glover says. 

“I know this because I used to be that way, and truthfully, there are times where I still find myself doing that.”

Adds Glover: 

“For example, my wife will want to do something for me and I will go out of my way to not let her do that because I don’t want to be a burden. In those cases that I’m not allowing her to help me, that is causing problems, so I’ve had to learn how to receive as much as give.”

With society constantly evolving, I wonder how much men have changed in the two-plus decades since No More Mr. Nice Guy first hit bookshelves.

The advent of social media has irrefutably altered the way men behave, but even so, Glover says he still witnesses men, particularly new dads, who are just too, well, nice.  

“Young boys today are taught how to not piss off their mother,” Glover deadpans.

“But what’s interesting about that is they’re not learning this from their mother.”

With information so readily available to anyone with a smartphone, one may assume that men are accessing strategies for how to be more assertive, but Glover finds that it’s not ignorance that keeps men from progressing. 

Rather, it’s likely super-convenient technology, coupled with the relatively comfortable existence that the majority of men have in this country that precipitates apathy.

“I see a lot of men who are hanging out at the nursery,” Glover quips.  

“They are on their phones a lot, usually consuming content that isn’t healthy, and again, the world is easier to navigate. Men today can play video games and watch porn until two in the morning and never have to leave the basement because they can order food on their phone.”

For reference, there always were men residing in the proverbial basement, munching on potato chips with a headset glued to their ears. 

But today, there are more, which is breeding incompetent men who will enter the real world ill-equipped to withstand its harshness.  

“Many men today don’t know how to talk to women, they don’t have the skills to get a girlfriend, and they’re addicted to porn,” Glover says, which is true, although I highly doubt the mainstream will ever notice.

“Worse, these men can’t get or hold a job. They may have big dreams of starting a business or becoming an online influencer, but all they do is watch videos about how to build a click funnel, and they never take action.”

The data is in. 

One only needs to go online to see that men are getting lapped by women academically and socioeconomically.

For both men and women, this is problematic, because while many women are ascending, equally as many men are plummeting, which leaves a chasm between the genders that over the long-term will result in less marriages, children, and societal stability.  

“The age for marriage continues to rise. A lot of men are not having kids either,” Glover notes. 

“Even with all the technology and information that’s out there, the unfortunate reality is that there are way more men who are underperforming, despite having all the tools available to be productive members of society.” 

It should be stated that these issues don’t have a simple solution.

The only true recourse is for individual men to give themselves an honest assessment, and then take proactive steps to improve various aspects of their lives. 

For his part, Glover will certainly continue to have a profound impact on men, even as he inches closer to becoming a septuagenarian.  

“A lot of men my age are dead or retired,” Glover says with a laugh.

“I toyed with the idea of retirement three years ago, but I also recognize that I’m at a point in life where I have the influence and capabilities to still positively affect change.”

In that sense, Glover is at his peak, and he intends to stay there. 

“I’m giving myself twenty more years, and then I will reevaluate,” he says. 

“In the meantime, I love mentoring men, speaking at events, and I also want to write more books. Most importantly though, I want men to live more fulfilling lives, and so if I can do my part to facilitate that, then I’m living with purpose and intentionality, and making the world a better place.” QS

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